On the verge of suicide… please please help.?

Posted by admin on September 11th, 2011

This is going to be a lengthy post. Forgive me… I don't know were else to turn.

I'm just about on the verge of suicide, I'm really coming here as a last resort… I really need some answers. somebody help me.

3 months ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. followed by some depersonalization. I went though bouts of being a hypochondriac after this.

I thought I had; brain damage, brain cancer, I was mentally retarded, I was deformed, the list goes on.

( This is where my real question comes in )

3 weeks ago something sparked the fear in me that " what if I'm gay " Even though I had NEVER been gay or question if I was gay before, I started obsessing over it and actually started feeling an attraction to men. I started picking out EVERY piece of evidence to back this up. I had convinced myself that I was gay for almost a week. after I talked to my therapist and explained the situation, she stated that she really didn't think I was gay and I was just worried about it so much that the symptoms started to occur.

Before I go any further, let me clarify some things.

1. I have been evaluated for; schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, and OCD. I do not have any of them.
2. I had a bad experience with Marijuana, which triggered my depression/anxiety/depersonalization.

Now, here is the part that makes me want to take my life. I'm so very close to committing suicide, I had held the gun in my hand last night, and really gave it thought. I need some serious advice.

I'm 19 years old. Male. Grew up in a pretty healthy environment. My mom and dad split when I was 5. There was a LOT of verbal fighting between my mom and I until I was about 18. along with my brother, who him and I used to physically fight very often. ( it was more of I beating him up ) Not to an extent of blood, but pushing and hitting on the arms

Well, now I'm afraid that " what if I turn into a murder or a pedophile " This thought scares me so bad, that I'm willing take take my life to prevent becoming a monster. Let me provide some evidence to help you better form and opinion.

First off, my view on pedophiles is of complete and utter disgust. They're scum and and horrid people that commit unspeakable acts upon pre-pubescent children. I guess that could be categorized as being a child molester too, which is even WORSE. It's a sicking act which under NO circumstances should ever be committed.

when I was younger, around 13 or 14, I was becoming interested in pornography, of women. I have heard and read that porn can be a warning sign. although, I know a LOT of men that watch pornography.

I used to look up 13 - 16 year-old videos when I was younger and around that age, not often, but it did occur . I don't know if this would be normal or not.

Let me clarify that the though of becoming a Pedophile and having the characteristics of one makes me so sick to my stomach, that I'm on the verge of vomiting right now. those type of people are truly evil. they destroy the lives of children, if they're molesters, and turn into a type of person that cannot be a part of functioning society.

Anyway. after work my friend and I ( who's 23 ) were having a conversation about girls that look older than they actually are. he stated that he had seen a girl who looked older than she was, and was attracted to her, only to find out she was 16. he said things like that worried him because they're going to get him into unwanted trouble. Then he said something about his younger sister acting that way, and being 11 or 12 and wearing clothes that an 18 year old should be wearing. it sparked some interest in me and Imaged it for a second, and I immediately started having an anxiety attack, only to start putting past experiences similar to this together. Forming the fear of " what if I'm a pedophile, or might turn into one " This is something that I could never live with.

I never had any fantasies about children before. My sex dreams have always been about girls my age, and that I liked. I've never seen a child in public or anywhere else and gotten aroused. I feel so HORRIBLE about watching underage videos when I was around 13 and 14. This worries me beyond belief.

Please... are any of these things normal in young boys ( early teenage years ) ??

I can't bring myself to even bring the subject up to anybody else... I just want these horrid thoughts to stop.

And now, I'm so worried about it and so worried that I am these things, or turning into these things, that sick. horrible thoughts are starting to manifest… like they did when I convinced myself I was gay, or when I convinced myself that my pot was laced ( when it wasn't )

Could this be the depression/anxiety/depersonalization? or could an actual problem be rising it's ugly head here?

I do not ever want to become any of those things, and if there is a

don't do it. it's always darkest before dawn, find religion and ask for forgiveness. you will feel better

I think your main problem here is your PARANOID schizophrenia. like you mentioned before, you THOUGHT you might be gay. And you slowly but surely convinced yourself that you were. you were also a hypochondriac. you THOUGHT you had all these horrible diseases, and you probably looked up each and every symptom and convinced yourself that you had those too. all your mental issues are combining together and almost destroying you. you just need to talk to your therapist about this. I know it feels weird to confess to someone that you want to kill yourself, because they may ruin your plans, but this is major. you need to take something for your schizophrenia, or at least go to some form of psychological rehabilitation. There is no need to kill yourself over a simple THOUGHT. by the way, looking up porn is completely normal. it would be weird and irregular to NOT explore sexuality at that age. the fact that you watched underage porn while you were thirteen just means that you wanted to watch people who looked at you. get that gun as far away from you as possible and talk to your therapist. please. I'm sure there is at least one person on this earth who would be broken if anything happened to you.

Wow, you really had a lot to say and it seems as though you have no one who will listen. Or at least, no one who you can trust to talk to about it. First of all, I think you worry yourself to death about things that aren't as serious as you think that they are and that screams ANXIETY to me. also, Just because you fantasize about something doesn't make you sick. It's when you act upon it that there is a problem. I will admit to you that when I was younger I was terribly turned on by bestiality but since I never acted upon it I came to understand that it was normal. There is a big difference in thinking about something and actually doing it. I could think about killing someone all day long but I'm not a murderer unless I do it, for example.

I would also like to suggest that you talk to you therapist about all of these issues that you are having. He/she cannot help you is he/she doesn't know about it. I'm no doctor but I'm sure that you need medication for you mental health problems. I don't know if you are on meds now or not but if your not then you should be and if you are then you may want to discuss your dosages and/or changing meds. it is very obvious that you need help and you cannot get the help that you need if you don't tell you doctor.

Aa for your issues with suicide. please remember that suicide is a permanent Solution to a temporary problem. I don't even know if the word solution is the right word to use at all because suicide is not a solution for anything. There is nothing that is going on in your life, or anyone elses, that suicide will fix. if you truly think about it, suicide is a terribly selfish act. My cousin killed himself ten years ago and his widdow is still to this day torn and distrough by it.

If at anytime you need someone to talk to you are more than welcome to talk to me about it. But please please take my advise and speak to your doctor as soon as possible! Life is good.

Don't worry!! Looking at porn as a teenager is PERFECTLY normal. You're stressing avout things you should not be. And since the very idea or a pedophile discusts you, you certainly wont become one! you seem like a very good man, and I wish I could help you! please hang on. Life WILL get better!!!

You’ve got your hands full kido, it was a good read though I mean it. Very well elaborated.

First of all I don’t think you have any of the issues that you have described. you think that you might have those, you are trying up all the suites, but you really don’t have those. you, at your age, are trying to relate and identify yourself, your personality as all of as did and do. And of cause you a bit overestimating from all corners of the ball as we all did.

A man is identified by two things: 1 the work that he does, 2 the people that he keeps around himself.
This is what you do; - get back to “work”, I know you are 19, but you have to think 10 years ahead if you plan to live on your own terms. get your head busy solving the problems regarding the work whatever that might be. Men are the problem solvers and we have to stay by it. And try to sign up for a sport class, if you have one get another one, it sounds that you have too much energy anyway. it is always nice to get home tired and get rest. second, pick the people and keep in mind that the work will get you where you should be.

Somebody said ones: - you tell the life how you need it or the life will tell you how you take it.

Good luck kido,

Talk to the Samaritans. they are an international organisation, wherever in the world you are. they will listen to you non-judgementally. at the moment you are judging yourself and beating yourself up unnecessarily over the things you did as a child. you are looking back on what you did as a child and expecting the child that you were to act like the adult you now are. you need to learn to love yourself as you are.

Make a start by phoning the Samaritans and talking to them.

Don't do it! it would really hurt everyone that cares about you. it is a very final solution to your problems, one you can't take back.

This is the number for the suicide hotline.

National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America
Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Deaf Hotline

http://suicidehotlines.com/

Sound like you have ocd.And you said you were around 13 and 14 when you were looking up underage videos BUT YOU WERE AROUND THE SAME AGE THEN thats normal.everything about you seems normal except the fact you think it isnt

Call your therapist or Psychiatrist immediately if you have a plan to commit suicide go to the nearest emergency room or Mental-Health Clinic NOW!
Need help? in the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

if you google up obessive/compulsion disorder you are going to recognize this problem. it is a chemical disorder that can be treated and furthermore it isn't your fault. Treating a temporary problem with a permanent solution like suicide is neither necessary or reasonable. you are too valuable a person to let this get the better of you. go for help now, you are intelligent and sensitive and worthy of help.

Don't kill yourself please.Think about all the people who care about you and need you.God is the only one who knows your future.sure a doctor can tell you that you have a disease or anything but who cares live on.Nothings is better than life;you could possibly grow up to be a big Achiever.Just have faith.Remember it Cant Rain Forever

Yes, quite a lengthy post. Let's break it down to about three things: you are openly suicidal: you think you are gay , which is not a disease.And last , you are having urges and dreams that are freaking you out.
If you feel so strongly that you want to commit suicide , get to an emergency room NOW, call 911,tell them how your feel that is by far the most serious of all your issues. it also could be the cause for everything else.
Being gay is not a disease, your trying to convince your self that you're not,just relax and take a personal inventory, the results might surprise you. as for the porn,movies Laced Pot and the rest; you are 19 and a hypochondriac, get that resolved in therapy and enjoy your life. Life is awesome and you have the world at your feet,always remember than you don't get any do-overs in life so what happened yesterday does not have to become part of your day.

What you have is common after growing up like you did. From what you said I can tell that demons are giving you all these ideas to make you worry even if you cant hear the actual words from them. This is happening alot lately.

Talk to me as much as needed.

Demons are fallen angels, angels who rebelled against God. Demons are evil, deceptive, and destructive. according to 2 Corinthians 11:14-15, demons masquerade as “angels of light” and as “servants of righteousness.” Appearing as a “ghost” and impersonating and talking as a deceased human being definitely is a disguise that demons use and do other things like messing with your mind even when they are not visible.